did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
