First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
