Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
