I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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