Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
