while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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