I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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