my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
