We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
