Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
