i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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