Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
