good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize