just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
