It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
