the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The best revenge is premature balding
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
