dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
