She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have demons in me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
