Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
