sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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