Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
