meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
