I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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