So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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