i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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