he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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