Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
