John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
