The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
