hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
