I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
