Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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