I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
