I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
