Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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