We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
