Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
