I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
