420 ftw
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
