bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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