I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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