Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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