When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
