She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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