what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
