That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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