Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
