My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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