Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
