The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my liver is dry heaving
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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