Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
