I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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