I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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