i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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