yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
