my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
