i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
